STRATEGIC HOUSEHOLD INCIDENT TASKFORCE
DOMESTIC INCIDENT REPORT
Reporting & Containment Unit
Case FAN042
Date: 02 April 2026
Location: Living Room (Primary Impact Zone)
Event Classification: Holiday / Snack-Adjacent Projectile Incident
Primary Subject: Colin (Instigator)
Species: Gremlin
Known Behavioural Pattern: Opportunistic Escalation / Competitive Chaos / Selective Rule Interpretation
Supervising Academic (if applicable):
Professor Clive Harrowgate
INCIDENT SUMMARY
At approximately 14:07, subject initiated an unsanctioned activity involving foam burrito-based projectiles during a structured gameplay session of Throw Throw Burrito.
The event occurred during an attempted recreational exercise intended to reduce mess generation.
Initial conditions appeared stable for approximately 90 seconds.
This assessment proved incorrect.
TRIGGER EVENT
Subject raised a question regarding the practical application of competitive gameplay rules:
“If it says throw throw… why are we only throwing once?”
This question resulted in a prolonged silence from supervising academic personnel, followed by what witnesses describe as “a visible collapse of authority.”
MATERIALS INVOLVED
• Two (2) foam burritos (primary projectiles)
• One (1) deck of Throw Throw Burrito cards (now dispersed)
• One (1) pink sofa (non-combatant observer platform)
• One (1) small cabinet (impact deflection surface)
• One (1) inflatable flamingo (no tactical contribution)
• Assorted loose cards (later classified as environmental hazards)
• Multiple gremlins acting as both participants and escalation catalysts
ESCALATION SEQUENCE
Following the initial inquiry, subject proposed testing the concept through practical experimentation.
Additional gremlins demonstrated immediate and enthusiastic engagement.
Measurements were not taken.
Intent was.
At least one gremlin initiated a Dual Burrito Wielding Protocol.
Another assumed a seated defensive posture while hoarding cards, indicating breakdown of cooperative play.
A formal “DUEL” was declared without reference to official rules or governing body.
Projectile velocity increased.
Accuracy did not.
ACADEMIC RESPONSE
Observed responses from Professor Harrowgate included:
• Prolonged silence
• Repeated blinking
• Removal of glasses for no functional reason
• Audible sighing
• Brief attempt to consult rulebook (unsuccessful)
• Evidence of existential reconsideration
• Confirmed tenure instability
STRUCTURAL STATUS
One (1) foam burrito currently located on top of bookcase.
Cause: Unknown.
Trajectory analysis ongoing.
Living room remains structurally intact.
Structural integrity classified as: Surprisingly Resilient
TASKFORCE ASSESSMENT
Outcome: Entirely Predictable
Contributing Factors:
• Misinterpretation of game title as instruction
• Overconfidence in foam-based safety
• Presence of multiple gremlins in competitive environment
• Failure to define “duel” in advance
RECOMMENDATIONS
Do not assume reduced mess equates to reduced chaos.
Avoid introducing projectile-based activities under the guise of “calm alternatives.”
Establish pre-emptive rulings on:
• Duel legitimacy
• Burrito ownership
• Maximum acceptable throw velocity
Remove elevated surfaces capable of attracting stray burritos.
CURRENT SITUATION
Subject continues to display heightened alertness and readiness to re-engage.
Remaining gremlins show no signs of de-escalation.
One participant has adopted a leadership stance while balancing a burrito on their head.
Intent unclear. Confidence high.
Further developments expected.
Containment status: Not even slightly.
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