STRATEGIC HOUSEHOLD INCIDENT TASKFORCE
( S . H . I . T . )
DOMESTIC INCIDENT REPORT
Reporting & Containment Unit
— FOUNDING DOCUMENT —
Case (F.A.N.) Number: FAN001 — ORIGIN EVENT
Date: 20 October 2023
Location: Online retail environment → Dining Room
Event Classification: Procurement Incident / Reading Comprehension
Failure / Accidental Institution Founding
PRIMARY SUBJECT
Primary Subject: The Gremlin Wrangler
Species: Human (Supervising)
Known Behavioural Optimistic Purchasing / Benefit of the Doubt /
Pattern: Enthusiastic Misreading
Supervising Academic: Not yet appointed.
(Professor Harrowgate hired as direct consequence
of this incident.)
INSTITUTIONAL PREAMBLE
Prior to this date, gremlin oversight was managed informally.
Three (3) gremlins had been considered a manageable quantity.
Incidents were documented in personal notes.
Containment was attempted on an ad hoc basis.
Results were variable.
This situation was considered acceptable.
It was about to become considerably less so.
INCIDENT SUMMARY
At approximately [time not recorded — subject was browsing],
subject identified an online listing for Mogwai figures.
The price point was noted.
The price point was considered to be a heavily discounted compared with the individual purchase price i.e. consistent with six (6) units at standard
market rate of £30-35 per unit.
Subject proceeded with purchase.
Subject did not read the small print.
This detail will become relevant.
TRIGGER EVENT
A box arrived.
Subject opened box.
Subject counted contents.
Subject counted contents again.
Contents confirmed: Twelve (12) Mogwai.
Subject reviewed price paid: £110.
Subject reviewed unit price: £30-35.
Subject reviewed the maths: This does not add up.
Initial assessment: vendor error.
Subject prepared to contact vendor to inform of the erroneous shipment and arrange for return.
Subject located original listing.
Subject gathered evidence to support vendor contact.
Subject read listing.
Subject read listing again.
Observed internal response documented as follows:
"...12?"
"I understood 6."
"But now I'm re-reading it... 12."
"OK."
"Um."
"HUH."
Vendor contact abandoned.
Subject's assessment of situation revised from
"vendor error" to "reading comprehension incident."
Subject chose not to elaborate further.
MATERIALS INVOLVED
• One (1) online retail listing
• Small print (present, unread)
• One (1) quantity field reading: 12
• One (1) subject reading: 6
• Twelve (12) Mogwai (received)
• Six (6) Mogwai (expected)
• Six (6) Mogwai (discrepancy, origin: small print)
• One (1) moment of dawning comprehension
• One (1) abandoned vendor contact
• Approximately £110 (allocated for 6, spent on 12, value: ambiguous)
ESCALATION SEQUENCE
Following confirmation of quantity, subject completed
inventory assessment.
Twelve (12) Mogwai confirmed present.
Subject reviewed available oversight frameworks.
Existing frameworks designed for three (3) gremlins.
Frameworks assessed as: Insufficient.
Gap between existing capacity and current requirement:
Significant.
Subject recognised that informal management would no longer
constitute an adequate response to current gremlin population.
A formal structure was required.
Nobody had asked for this.
It had become necessary anyway.
ACADEMIC RESPONSE
Professor Clive Harrowgate did not respond to this incident.
Professor Clive Harrowgate had not yet been appointed.
Professor Clive Harrowgate's appointment was a direct consequence of this incident.
He has not been informed of this.
It is considered unlikely to improve his outlook.
STRUCTURAL STATUS
Living room & Dining room separating wall remains present.
Capacity assessment: Revised upward.
Oversight framework status: Under construction.
Vendor relations: Uncontacted. Aware that they listed 12 mogwai for the purchase price, happy with the purchase. Unbothered by the impact on the subject and their life choices moving forward.
Structural integrity classified as: Foundational.
TASKFORCE ASSESSMENT
Outcome: Institution-founding
Contributing Factors:
• Small print (present)
• Subject (not reading it)
• Price point (deceptively reasonable for 6)
• Price point (absolutely mental for 12)
• Mogwai (present in quantities exceeding expectation)
• Absence of existing governance framework
RECOMMENDATIONS
1. Read the small print.
2. Read the small print again.
3. Establish formal oversight body capable of managing
gremlin populations exceeding three (3) units.
4. Appoint supervising academic.
(Note: ensure academic is aware of what they are
supervising before appointment is confirmed.)
(Note: they will find out regardless.)
(Note: it will be too late regardless.)
5. Implement case numbering system retroactively.
6. Accept that twelve is the number now.
CURRENT SITUATION
Twelve (12) Mogwai present.
Oversight framework: established.
Case numbering: begun.
Professor Harrowgate: appointed (pending notification).
Vendor: uncontacted. no further action necessary as contract fulfilled
Small print: now being read.
The Strategic Household Incident Taskforce is hereby
formally established.
Retroactive case numbering begins.
God help us.
Containment status: The small print has consequences.
CONTAINUS DISASTERUM
Managing Chaos Since [Date of Small Print Incident]
The small print has consequences.
ADDENDUM — FOR THE RECORD
The price was, technically, an excellent deal.
Twelve Mogwai for £110 represents a per-unit cost of
approximately £9.17.
Standard market rate: £30-35 per unit.
Savings realised: considerable.
Oversight infrastructure required: also considerable.
Net outcome: ambiguous.
The Taskforce acknowledges both realities simultaneously.
This is considered appropriate.
END OF FOUNDING DOCUMENT
FAN001 — FILED
Further incidents expected.
We were not wrong.
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